Llanview Fear Factor
by martheev
Summary: Kinda dated parody. See what happens when the young uns of Llanview meet Joe Rogan's challenges. Warning: Chapter titles give away who looses each round! Let me know what you think, good or bad. Thanks for reading.
1. Opening

"Hello, I'm your host, Joe Rogan. These stunts, are completely stupid. But, so are most of our players. You shouldn't try them. But won't it be fun to screw with these teens from Llanview?

Jessica: "Hey all. I'm really hoping I win because my new brother Rex really needs some tennis shoes, a pair of jeans, a big screen TV, a porche, a genetically enhanced warm weather penguin, and a mail order bride. He's a growing boy you know?"

Seth: "If I win, I would say that I'd pack Rex up in a small bag and ship him off somewhere where he'd freeze his balls off in like three seconds...Yeah, uh hu, Rex's balls, mmmm." Stops to shake his head. "Uh, yeah, cold...very... Please move on."

Jen: "I don't really care to be here. But It's going to be fun getting Al to jump through all those hoops for me!"

Al: "Jen said if I win that she'll love me forever! Yay!"

Natalie: "Well, I'm just hoping that I can stop gazing longingly at Cristian long enough to do a stunt. So far nothing's been able to stop me from doing it yet."

Cristian: "My being here has absolutely NOTHING to do with the fact that Natalie's here. Nothing I tell you! We're just friends. So what if my days and nights are filled with vibrant images of rubbing crotches... Uhm...is there a cold shower nearby?"

Joe looks at them with little interest. "Well, they seem like a fun bunch huh?" He stops to turn himself back toward the camera. "Well anyway, join us next time when we'll give these whiny little shits their first stunt and see how many we scare off. I don't know about  
you, but I'm crossing my fingers that it's all of them. Otherwise this is going to be a lot of pain in my ass, I feel it already. Bye!"


	2. First Challenge: Jessica & Seth

"For our first game today, we've split the teens into three teams and gave them special challenges. First up we have Jessica and Seth. So if the two of you would follow me please."

"Oh boy! This is so much fun!"

"Walking?" Joe looks at Seth. "Doesn't take much to keep her entertained does it?"

"Nope. That's why we're so good together in bed."

"Yeah, you got pretty lucky in that category huh?" Jess looks up at Seth with a slanted brow. "Why is it that you call out my brother's name when you're with me anyway?"

Seth begins to perspire. He looks at Joe with pleading eyes.

"Uhm... Speaking of your brother." Joe opens a door and leads them inside. "I believe this is him."

"Hey Jess."

"Hey! How did you get here? Do you need cab fare for the ride home?"

"Ummm. Yeah!"

Jessica starts to fumble around in her purse. "How much does it cost from here to Llanfare?"

"I'd say, about a hundred bucks."

"Well, all I've got is this thousand dollar bill here. Do you think that would work?"

Rex grabs it from her excitedly. "I'll somehow make it stretch." He turns away from the group and kisses the bill in his hand. "Oh thank you THANK you for letting me be related to such an idiot!"

Joe just shakes his head. "Well, technically, you just lost the game. And I haven't even told you what it IS yet! Damn you're stupid!"

Rex laughs and shakes his head. "Yeah, she really is."

"Okay, Seth. Do you think YOU can stand in this room for a minute without giving Rex money?"

Seth puts his finger to his chin, then stalks over to Rex and punches him in the jaw. "I don't see how that would be a problem." He turns around and sees Rex on the floor crying. Seth runs over to him and puts a hand on his shoulder. "Oh hey baby, I'm sorry. It's for the game, you know that."

Rex pulls away and goes to a dark corner of the room. "Yeah, and that's what you said about the time we played 'hide the sausage' and you KNOW how that turned out!"

Seth turns back to Jess and Joe looking very nervous. "It was a thing with frankfurter you see."

Rex wiped the tear from under his face, regaining his composure. "It looked more like a cocktail weenie to me."

"Yeah, that sounds about right." Jess added.

Joe threw his hands in front of them. "OKAY! Look, I don't know it's been a minute or not, I'm just ready to get the hell out of here. Seth, you pass. Jess, you've proven your hair color."

Jess twisted a strand of her yellow hair. "So does that mean I win? Yay!"

"No, it means you're an idiot."

"Oh. Okay Joe. Well, better luck next time."

Joe rolled his eyes. "God willing there won't be one! Well, come back and join the others Seth. Jessica, just get out of here you stupid blonde bitch."

Jessica wore a gigantic smile. "Okay! See you at home sweetie."

"Not if I win the million. I'll be dumping you for a mail order husb...rrrride. Bride, bride, I was gonna say bride!"

"Yeah nobody cares. Come on."

Joe and Seth left, leaving Jessica and Rex in the dark.

"I'm sorry I didn't win the money little brother."

"No, that's okay. I've got enough money to disown you and have some left over to last me a while, I'll be fine."

"Oh, okay. Well, I guess we'd better get home." Jessica walked toward the door. But, instead of opening it, she just tried to go through it. She hit her head and fell to the floor, passed out.

Rex grabbed the handle and turned. Before leaving he looked down at his sister and shook his head. "Dumb blonde bitch."


	3. First Challenge: Natalie & Cristian

Joe led Seth back to where the others were. "Okay everyone, as you can see, Jessica screwed up her first challenge."

"Stupid blonde bitch." everyone mumbled in unison.

Joe shook his head. "Anyway, continuing on with our first challenge, I've got to have Natalie and Cristian to follow me."

Joe led the two to another dark room. In the middle was a round metal cage. There was a metal separator running down the middle of the inside, cutting the cage into two different parts.

"Now, if you've seen the movie "The Skulls", you know this is for two people to be one in each side. But, we're not going to lower you into a pit and make you have to tell each other the truth. Just the opposite actually. We're going to make you lie to each other.  
Although this challenge should be pretty easy. After all, it's just another Monday for the two of you huh?"

Joe laughed, but the two teens didn't. They preferred to just look around nervously.

Joe waved his hand at them. "Ah you're just a couplea jackasses. Anyway, get naked."

Both of them shook their heads. "What?" they asked together.

"Come on! It's the gratuitous sex part of the show. We're required to do at least one challenge with it every week. So drop everything off ya."

The two looked a little reluctant but did what they were told. Then they each took a side in the cage.

"Okay, now the trick is that you can't make any movements toward each other, you've got to stay on your own respective sides. No bumping up against the metal got it? We're going to leave you in there for a minute and a half. Starting now."

Cristian looked up at the ceiling and whistled while Natalie sighed and drummed her fingers against the cage. Eventually the two's eyes met. They sent jacquard smiles at each other.

Cristian, searching for something to say, foolishly opened his  
mouth. "Hey, if it's any consolation, I always knew you were a  
natural redhead."

Natalie's eyes squinted. "Uhm...Thanks. Bet you're not." she said and laughed. Then something out of the corner of her eye caught her attention, so she glanced down. "Uhm, Cris. You wanna get that thing back on your side please."

"Oh, sorry." He grabbed it and pulled it back.

It hit Natalie what she had actually seen. "Holy shit! That's the size of it when it's freezing cold?"

"Well yeah. Why do you think I wear such big pants?"

"I usually don't think about your pants. Well..."

"Well what Natalie?"

"Well, I do think about your pants. Like EVERY day."

"It's funny..."

"What is Cris?"

"I...I think about your pants every day too."

"You do?"

"Yes!"

"Wow! We ARE two crazy kids in love, just thinking about each other's dress wear! I never dreamed this could happen to me!"

"Oh Natalie!"

"Oh Cristian!"

The two took steps toward the middle of the cage.

BUZZZZZZZZ! "TIME!"

"Oh God Damnit!" Cristian mumbled at the same time Natalie mumbled "Mother fucker!"

The lights came on and Joe rushed to the cage.

"Man that was intense! But you made it."

"Just great." Cristian fumed.

"Yeah, yay us." Natalie fumed right behind him.

They put back on their clothes and began walking back to the group.  
Cristian trotted up to Joe and leaned in close to whisper a question to him. "Hey, is it really winning if you go home with blue balls and a boner the size of the Eiffel tower?"

Joe took a giant step toward his left, away from Cristian. "Okay please stop talking to me now."


	4. First Challenge: Jen & Al

Joe was still walking to the far side of Cristian when they got back to the others. "Well, as you can see both challengers made it back this time, pretty much killing my hopes of getting out of here early and calling it a day."

Cristian walked over to stand beside Seth. Seth glanced down toward Cristian's crotch. "Hey Cris. What happened to your pants? You got a tank in there?"

Joe rolled his eyes. "Do dumbass, it's a dick. Not that I expect you to understand that concept. Anyway. Our last two challengers of the day are Jen and Al so if the two of you would follow me please."

They took off down a dark hallway, leaving the other there teens behind. Cristian was looking suspiciously over at a gawking Seth.

"Hey cut it out man!"

"I'm not doing anything." Seth defended himself without looking away.

"You're staring at my wiener area!"

"No I'm not!"

"And you're drooling!"

Seth rubbed his bottom lip to clean the spit off of it. He then finally looked away and went over in a dark corner.

Cristian sighed and shook his head. "I reeeeally hope he didn't just go over there to jack off."

Joe led the two challenged (in more ways than ONE!) teens to yet another room. Only this one was completely lit up. There were gadgets of all kinds strewn about the room.

Joe turned himself to address them. "You'll see that there's plenty to do in our little playground here. But, there is a no sharing rule in here. If you want something done, you've got to do it yourself. Jen, you can in NO way even hint to Al that you want him to do something for you. On the other side, Al, you can't in ANY way offer to do something for Jen. You'll have ten seconds starting now."

"Oh this is easy. All I need is a magazine." She glanced over at the table to see a huge pile of them. Oh sure, she could have reached her hand out to grab one, but then Al wouldn't get to walk across the room. "Hey Al..." she stopped when she remembered her challenge. "Al...al...a...lllll...al...AAAAAaaAllLLlaAAAlllAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Jen sung her little song before she proceeded to pass out on the floor.

"Oh Jen, that was so beautiful. You're such a great singer. I love everything about you. Your hair, your eyes, your fingers, your ear lobe, your ass crack. That doesn't make me crazy does it?"

"Yes it does." Joe walked up to them with his stopwatch. "And theclock running out means you're in the next round as well. Damnit!"

"Oh yay!" Al chirped. He went over and picked Jen up and carried her back to the winner's arena.

Joe got everyone together and looked at the remaining contestants. Natalie and Cristian were just sitting there gazing longingly at one another, and Seth emerged from the secluded corner of the area he had been hiding in. "Well...five left. That means I've only lost one of you. Son of a bitch in heat. Well anyway, hopefully you've got weak stomachs cause you know the gross out eating challenge is tomorrow. I'm going to make sure to pray for puke before I go to bed tonight. See you all tomorrow." With that Joe flew out of the warehouse, jumped into his car, and sped off before anyone could say anything else to him.

Cristian was paying more attention to Natalie's ass as she walked out, he didn't even realize Al was still holding Jen.

He figured, to get to keep her longer, her would take the long way out of the building. So he slunk along the wall to get to the door. In a particular dark corner he hit a patch of something slippery, making him fall to the floor and Jen land on top of him.

"If you come this way guys be careful back here in this corner. There's like some water or jelly or something on the floor. Hey what's that smell?"


	5. Second Challenge: Seth

Joe brought the group to a dimly lit bar. The only thing that could be clearly seen was the pool table that was under a hanging light. The teens walked up to the table and huddled around it.

"For your first challenges, you had a partner, someone to goad you on. Well now kiddies it's time to fly solo."

Al shook his head. "Yes, I know all about that. Although Jen is there with me in my head."

"Well she must get pretty lonely up there. Anyway, your next stunt is, of course, the gross eating thing. And this," Joe pulled back a curtain to reveal a bowl full of a whiteish liquid. "Is your delectable dinning this evening. Since we were getting it anyway, we decided to get it from an aptly named creature. This," Joe pointed at the bowl. "Is sperm whale sperm. And this," Joe motioned toward the pool table. "Is how you're going to find out how much of it you're going to have to eat. However many balls you have left after three shots is how many tablespoons of this stuff you're going to have to eat. We've randomly chosen who gets to go first and Seth, you're up."

Seth walked around the table for a few laps, then bent over and took a swing at the balls. The que ball went up and touched the top of the triangle.

Joe's eyebrow cocked upward. "I think you're going to have to hit them a little harder than that."

Seth shrugged. "Nah." He went around the table and took his second shot. This time the first ball moved about an inch. "Oh, uhm...darn." He took his last shot and the first ball moved about a centimeter. "Oh shoot! I didn't get any in." he said with a smile that made all the other contestants nervous. He went over to the table, measured himself out 15 tablespoons of the stuff, and downed it like a shot. He looked over to the shocked faces beside him. "What? This stuff is SO good. I've got a bottle of it in my fridge. Use it more than ketchup. And it's very good for your complexion." he said while rubbing his cheek.

For the first time, Joe actually looked like he might throw up. "My God man, what level of disturbed are you at now?"


	6. Second Challenge: Al

Joe shook away the shivers that Seth had just given him. He turned his attention to the next contestant. "Okay Al, it's your turn. Please, take your time. I need something to focus on to get my mind off...the event that shall not be named. From now on. I'm serious. No one ever mention that again!"

Al walked up to the table. He took his first shot. The balls bounced around the table until each one fell in a hole.

Jen's jaw dropped. "Holy shit! How the hell'd you do that?"

Al went over and put his arm around her. "I wished and wished really hard to stay in this game. I really really want to win to prove myself to you. Besides, I love love you a lot, but I ain't eatin' jizm for you!"

Seth had waltzed over to the bowl. "Well, can I have his share?"

Joe looked at him with a slanted brow. "Uhm... No. If you've finished your challenge we have to make sure there's enough for the other contestants. And you're just one big ball of creepy."

Seth groaned, pouted, and plopped down in a dark corner to sulk.

Al elbowed Jen in the ribs. "Hey, you think I'M bad. You coulda got that guy attracted to you."

"No Al, I'm pretty sure I won't have to worry about that. YOU on the other hand..." She smacked him on the chest and walked away.

Al was left with a confused look. "Me? Why me...OH!" Al's faced cringed in disgust. He did a full body shiver. "Ew! No more showering with THAT guy at Break Bar!"


	7. Second Challenge: Cristian

Joe stared in fear at Al. "Shower? Okay, there's a point that  
defines too much information. How did you miss it? It's bright  
yellow and three inches wide!" He shook his head and directed his  
attention toward the last male victim. "Okay Cristian, you're up."

Cristian moved slowly to the head of the table. He took a deep  
breath and lined up his shot. After all of his shots he was left  
with only one ball on the table. He walked over where Joe was with a  
big smile on his face.

Joe patted him on the back. "Hey man, you got as lucky as you could  
with this game." He got out one tablespoon's worth of the stuff and  
put it in a shot glass. "Here you go. Just think of it as tequila  
without the worm, Ese."

"Worm essay? What does this have to do with a term paper?"

Joe just rolled his eyes and cleared his throat. "Well you never  
know what kind of challenges you'll face here on Fear Factor.  
Although we decided to go easy on you guys. We knew you'd screw up  
anything scholastic and we need to have a show to put on the air and  
make money. Anyway, just drink."

Cristian stared at the glass. He took a deep breath and began to  
raise it toward his mouth.

"OH NO YOU DON'T!" was heard after a loud bang from the back of  
the room. Everyone looked up to see what the commotion was.

Cristian's face moved into a big goofy smile. "MOMMIE!" He ran  
over to her and gave her a big hug. "Guess what Mommie! Yesterday I  
resisted my urges, and today I'm going to guzzle sperm! Aren't you  
so proud of me?"

Carlotta smiled at him, "I am." She then knocked the glass onto the  
floor. "But I wouldn't have been if you'd done something so stupid!"

Cristian stared at the floor in sadness. "But MOMMIE! I have to  
win this contest so Jen will love me forever!"

"No Cristian! I'm not going to let you do something like this! No  
son of mine's going to be a fagito!"

"I'm not! I just wanna win!"

The argument got heated as the Carlotta started in with Spanish.

"AY, hombre loco! El gato y carra con la cama del burrito!"

"Madre! Apaga la hermana y mira la chalupa!"

Carlotta put her hand to her chest. "Well I NEVER!" She grabbed  
him by his shirt collar. "Now you're coming home with me for a good  
spanking young man!" She tugged his collar and began dragging him  
toward the door.

"But Moooooomie! I wanna win!"

"Well you're not going to. And no Pokemon for a month!"

Crisitan's face fell. "N...no Pokemon?"

"That's right! Keep it up and I won't let you sleep with your  
blanket either."

Cristian's bottom lip began to tremble as his eyes welled up. Then  
he let go with a "Waaaaaaaa!" that shook the rafters of the bar. He  
cried and blubbered all the way out the door, all the way out of site  
and hearing range.


	8. Second Challenge: Jen

Joe looked in glee toward the door. He began clapping his hands and jumping up and down. "YES! Another one bites the dust. Or pacifier as the case may be. I mean, come on! What twenty year old still uses the word Mommy? Do you think his older brother uses language like that? Surely not... Not that I know much less care. Anyway, Jen you're up first for the chicks."

Jen crossed her arms. A eyebrow raised. "Chicks?"

Joe shrugged. "What, you prefer bitches?"

"Actually yeah. Yeah I do. And that's my choice, who are YOU to try and take that away from me?"

Joe's eyes rolled. "Okay...you are one messed up bitch."

"Damn skivy. Now let's get it own!"

"On, let's get it on."

Jen fell back in shock. "Cristian's not out the door more than a minute and you're already hitting on me?" She went over to the mirror and smiled at herself. "Damn girl, you GOT it!"

Joe threw his hands in front of himself. "No I wasn't and...no, no you don't. Look, just shoot okay?"

She pulled herself away from herself to look back back him. "But I don't have a gun?"

"I meant the pool balls."

"Shooting pool balls doesn't require a gun? How does it work then? Am I just supposed to throw the bullets really hard or something?"

Joe closed his eyes as he sighed. "Yeah, and while you're at it stick a couple in yourself okay."

"Okay." Jen pulled a few bullets out of her pocket. She stood herself at the end of the table and squatted to be near eye level with the balls. She stared at the balls with intensity. She threw her arm forward and let a projectile fly. She did it a few more times before giving up and standing upright in a huff. "This doesn't seem to be working."

"...Okay, you don't have a gun, but you DO carry bullets?" Joe put his hands to his head. "Never mind! Not asking." He went over and grabbed a pool stick. He went over close to Jen with it. "Okay. You. Take stick."

Jen grew a big smile. "Oh yeah! I know this game. Grabbing sticks is a hobby of mine."

Joe's face was stone. "Yeah I'll bet it is. Anyway. Take this. Hit those balls with it." Joe handed and pointed as he explained.

Jen smiled like she understood. Then proceeded to walk down the table and swing the pool stick back and forth at the triangle of balls like a madwoman. She pushed her disheveled hair back and then smiled and turned toward Joe. "How was that?"

Joe pushed himself up from the ground. He looked around at everyone else. They were all still on the floor moaning in pain. He looked toward Jen. "Uhm..I'm gonna say you passed. Just cause I'm afraid you'll kill somebody if you try that again."

Jen jumped up and down with a big goofy grin on her face. "YAY! I passed! My teachers said that'd NEVER happen!"

"Oh they knew what they were talking about." Joe mumbled out loud. Then added "God I hate blondes!" under his breath.


	9. Second Challenge: Natalie

Joe turned toward Natalie. "Well, you're the last person for this  
challenge. Before I even start I need to get something straight.  
Chick or bitch? Which do you prefer?"

"Oh, just call me Natalie. Or Nat, whatever."

"So either your name or a bug. Gotcha. Well whatever species you  
are, get up there and try to knock in some balls."

There was a snicker that wafted from Jen. "Yeah, she's had a lot of  
practice so this shouldn't take to long."

"Hey, I'm not the one who can't play pool but knows the double  
meaning of the word 'balls'" Natalie shot back.

"You callin' me dumb?"

"No, I'm calling you a dumb slut you brain dead whore!"

"Am not!"

"Are so!"

"Oh yeah, well I'm a brick wall aaand you're some soup. Everything  
runs down me and, and...yousuck." Jen mumbled through the last  
word. She hung her head in her silent stupidity.

Natalie put a victorious smirk on her face and then stood herself in  
front of the pool table. Her smirk held as she took her first shot.

But it was gone by the end of her last shot. All but one of the  
balls were left on the table.

She walked reluctantly over to the table where Joe was fixing her  
drink. He handed it to her and she held it up to the light. "Wow,  
that's really full." she observed out loud.

"Well it won't be after you drink it." Jen commented from the back of  
the room.

"That's true." Natalie agreed. "It's so clear. I can see right  
through it."

"That's cause it's made of glass and it's gonna cut you all the way  
down until you die."

"Good suggestion. A stupid one, but I didn't expect a whole lot from  
you." Joe interjected. "You gonna drink or walk Natalie?"

Natalie's face cringed. "I don't know..."

Jen's laughter grew. "No, she's not used to the swallowing part."  
Jen laughed a goofy laugh at her own joke. "I meant that she sucks a  
lot of dick." Jen's dorky snicker continued. "Thought this would be  
a easy challenge for her but I forgot that part. That she doesn't  
swallow. After she sucks dick." Jen looked around but no one else  
was laughing. "Am I the only one that gets my joke?"

"You're the only one that gets YOU Jen." Joe looked back to the  
contestant. "What's it gonna be Flea? You've got to decide."

"It's Nat. And...well..."

"Ha ha! Nope, she's givin' up. Just like she always does. Except  
when it matters the most. When's that you ask?" Jen looked around,  
but no one was interested. Her face twitched in confused  
anger. "Well I'll tell you since you asked... With Cristian!  
She'll never have him and she just keeps trying and trying. She's  
like that little energizer train. He thought he could do it too and  
well...well I guess he did. But you won't. Never never. Blondes  
have more fun so he can have more fun with me if ya know what I mean."

Joe shook his head. "Yeah, I'll have to think about it now  
unfortunately."

"Got you thinkin' now too Natalie? About how Cristian and I  
are...together? Can ya handle it?"

Natalie's rage was growing to where she was just about to pop. Her  
teeth were cracking from the clenching and her eyes were about to bug  
out of her head. She let out a feral scream, then glugged down her  
drink. She looked wildly around, then lunged at the bucket that held  
the liquid. She quickly guzzled it all down as well. She threw it  
to the side, then looked at everyone with wild eyes as her breath  
came in short gasps.

"Holy shit." Joe remarked in monotone. "Just holy shit." His cell  
phone rang and he picked it up. "Hello? Hey Matt. What's up?"  
There was a short pause. "What? You've got to be kidding me?"

Natalie was a horrible sight. The clear goo was all down her chin  
and all over the front of her shirt. She had stalked up close to  
Jen. "Yeah, you fit a stereotype what with your blonde hair and your  
air head. Guess what? I fit one too! You know how they say us red  
heads like to get PISSED off!" Natalie put a little extra emphasis on  
her "p", sending the snotlike substance all over Jen's face and hair.

Joe walked up to them. "Well, you're going to have plenty of time to  
clean that off. The challenge for tomorrow has been called off. For  
a while actually. About a month to be exact. A big storm came  
through and wrecked everything! So now, instead of putting this  
behind me tomorrow, I've got to wait an extra month to get rid of you  
assholes? Great. Well, I'll see you all in a month. That's  
assuming I don't KILL myself between now and then!"


	10. Third Challenge: Seth

Joe heaved a huge sigh. "Okay okay. We're finally back. As you can see I did NOT kill myself. Not for lack of some nearly successful attempts though. Anyway, that storm had a hell of a time playing with our setup here on Llantano mountain. But now everything's all set back up and stable. I told them not to worry to much about the stable part, but those bastards insisted. As for the game starting again, I'm standing here trying to figure out if that's a blessing or a curse. Getting the game going again means it's closer to being  
over. Yet, it also means I have to start interacting with these spazzes again." Joe shrugged. "I don't know. Well we'll get the ball rolling again by getting the four of you doing the same. See that over there?" Joe pointed out at the mat. "You're going to have to land on that."

Jen raised her hand.

Joe rolled his eyes. "What Jen?"

"Uhm...I really don't think I can jump that far. You do realize that I'm not a kangaroni."

Joe just blinked a time or two. "So, did you just get a marsupial mixed up with pasta or that thing that clears hockey ice? Never mind, never mind. You ask stupid questions and you give stupid answers so I'm not even gonna try. Well you don't have to jump. You'll be skating out to it."

"AH HA! We can't do that Joe, there's no ice." Jen giggled. "You're dumb."

"And you're blond. Pot, kettle, black, I don't know. But, you're also blind. Walk until I tell you to stop."

Jen did as she was told. She continued on her way with a brainless smirk on her face. At least until she rammed her forehead into something, causing her to land on her ass. She reached up to rub the spot. "Ow! When the hell did air get so hard?"

"I don't know. Stand up."

Jen did as she was told again. And again she hit something solid, sending her face first into a snow drift.

"Okay, the first one was a good teaching. The second one was just evil." Natalie interjected. She then looked at Joe with a smile. "Good job."

"Yeah, I know. Anyway. You'll be standing at the top of this big ramp here. We're gonna slap some in-line skates on ya and then you're gonna skate down the ramp. Whoever lands farthest out on that big mat over there is the winner. Seth is first up."

Seth climbed up the ladder up to the top of the ramp. He stood there, looking out at the mat in determination. He pulled his goggles over his eyes and took off.

However, he didn't take off fast enough. He got nowhere near the mat. He landed asshole first on a jutting part of the mountain. "Ooohoohoo!" he exclaimed with a gigantic grin.

"Well, it looks like Seth ain't the winner."

"Oh I don't know if I'd say that Joe. Mmmmmm. Daddy like!"

"Okay, I don't know who's daddy you're talking about, but I'm just going to suggest that kid get itself adopted."


	11. Third Challenge: Natalie

Joe turned his back on the moaning Seth. "Okay, that was too pathetic a start for the men's side. So Al, you're gonna get to wait. Even the bitches can kick this guy's ass." Joe looked back at what Seth was doing. "Although it looks like he approves of any activity that has to do with that part of his anatomy so maybe you could just knee him in his stomach or something." Joe turned his focus to the red headed contestant. "Well Natalie, all you've got to do at the current moment is get on the mat. Do you think you can get that done?"

Natalie shrugged. "Well, ever since Christian's mom dragged him out of this game my mind seems a bit clearer for some reason. You know, it's easier to think when you're head's not cluttered up with nasty thoughts."

Al shrugged. "Wouldn't know."

Jen's eyes formed tears. "I hear so much about those thought things. I pray every night that I might get one of my own someday soon."

"Doubtful." Joe said quickly. "Okay Chigger, you're up."

Natalie rolled her eyes as she sighed. "Nat. It's Nat."

"Yeah I know. Just get going."

Natalie took a deep breath and started up the ladder. She took another deep breath before pulling her goggles down and rolling off.

She did a beautiful triple summersault and landed smack dab in the middle of the target. She stood up and began shouting for joy.

Joe rubbed his chin. "Gee I guess she's never heard of a..."

Joe's words broke as a huge pile of snow began flowing it's way toward Natalie. She screeched, only making it go faster. Pretty soon the entire mat area was covered.

Joe shrugged. "One of those. Huh." Then something hit him. "Aw damnit! Now were gonna be backed up even more trying to dig the little bitch outta there. Okay, calm down Joe. There's gotta be at least one way that you haven't yet thought of to kill yourself. Think think."

"Hey guys. Wow that was some rush!"

Joe looked up at the arrival. "Cicada? What are you doing up here? How'd you get out from under the snow so quick?"

Natalie grabbed a lock of her hair. "Redheads are hotheads remember? Some stereotypes are true." Natalie stopped to think a few seconds. "And far too literal."

Joe shook his head in agreement. "Yes. Stereotypes do seem to happen. Why, I'm only now beginning to realize how the depressed, suicidal game show host one goes."


	12. Third Challenge: Jen

Joe shrugged. "Oh well. Speaking of stereotypes, here comes our dumb blond."

"That is like my favorite song EVER!"

"Probably because it's about you huh?"

"You are correct Joe. Anything that's about me I love."

Joe acted like a light went on in his head. "Ah! So that's why I saw you fucking that mirror the other day!"

"Yeah. That was hard...and really really shinny. Almost blinded me."

"Too bad, that would have made this really interesting. Since, you know, it really won't be..."

"Oh don't worry Joe, I'll make it interesting for ya."

"Oh, after seeing you at the pool table I don't doubt that."

Jen gave her big smile, almost showing off her empty head. She walked toward the ramp, running into it one last time. She got up and shook her head, then looked around. "Oh THERE it is! I wondered what that was. I kept thinking there was an invisible wall or something."

Joe put on a look of mock sympathy. "No, the only blockage is in your head. Probably a brain tumor or something. You know, you shouldn't have that checked out."

"Okay." Jen put her hand on the ramp and followed it to the ladder. "Hm. Wonder where this goes. Heaven?"

"Well if it is you're gonna hit your head up there too. I think they require at least a .02 IQ up there."

Jen waved her hand at Joe. "No they don't silly."

Joe motioned up the ladder. "Oh, by all means then, go. Die and never come back. Good plan. You go for that."

Jen cocked her head to its side and put her loser smirk on again, then climbed up to the platform. She got an inquisitive look on her face. She wondered where the platform went to, so she began walking.

She reached the end and didn't stop, landing her on her ass. She slid all the way down, then flittered through the air. She plooped down on the mat, half an inch passed the bulls eye.

Al was completely in awe. He just stared longingly out at where she had landed. "She is so beautiful."

Joe walked up to the two teens. "To each their own opinion. Oh, and she landed about this much passed your mark Natalie." Joe held his thumb an index finger slightly apart.

"She is so DEAD!"

Joe shrugged. "Fine by me. We can send her up the ladder toward heaven again. And then we can tell her to jump the rest of the way. It'll be fun. And hey, then I'll be in agreeance with the her being beautiful thing. Of course it'll be because she's a splat, but that works for me."


	13. Third Challenge: Al FINAL WEEK!

Al beamed at Jen as she stumbled up the pathway. He ran to her and gave her a bear hug. "Oh Jen, that midair interpretive dance was so beautiful, I felt tears welling up in my eyes."

"You know, realizing you're the last contestant and this is all over, I'm starting to get that feeling too." Joe interjected. "So why don't you get up there and..." Joe's eyebrow cocked slightly upward. "Uhm..okay. Stop dry humping Jen and..."

Al got a look of confusion. "Dry?"

Joe's bottom lip twisted in disgust. "Now there's a TMFI if I've ever heard one."

"Too Much Fun Idiot?" Jen questioned.

Joe thought for a second. "Yes, it certainly looks like you are. You being the idiot here and all. It actually means Too Much FUCKING Information. Which I'm getting from my ears AND my eyes... AL, KNOCK IT OFF!"

"He might if he keeps going like that. It's small and gotta be pretty cold in this weather. Kinda like his pants are growing a tiny little icecicle."

Jen perked up. "Oooo! I like to break those things off and lick them all over."

Al stopped molesting Jen to think. "Well...I like the second part of that scenario."

Joe looked over to his right. "Dung beetle, what are you doing here? You lost remember? You're supposed to take the walk of shame."

Natalie just smirked and crossed her arms as she leaned back. "And miss this? BhullSHIT!"

Joe shrugged and shook his head. "Fine, whatever, let's just get this over with alright." He went over and pulled Al off of Jen, then slammed him into the ladder. "Climb that. Then go down the ramp, kill yourself, whatever you want to do as long as it ends this game."

Al shrugged, then climbed. He looked out over his target. He began chanting "Remember the deal, remember the deal..." over and over again to himself. He pulled down his goggles, then flung himself onto the ramp. He flew over the bulls eye and to the other side of the mat. He had to grab onto the mat to keep from flying off over the mountainside.

Natalie fell to the ground, laughing her ass off.

Jen walked up to her with her hands on her hips. "And just what the  
hell is so funny to you?"

"Your deal."

Jen's face twitched, barely recalling something from a few days ago. "And that would be...?"

"If Al won you'd be his forever." Natalie managed to get out in gasps before falling into giggles again.

Jen began to panic. "But...but... RECOUNT!"

Joe rolled his eyes. "Jen, this isn't an election."

She let out a nervous giggle. "Oh...so no bitching about hanging chads either? I mean I know he's not playing this game or anything, busy with the Break Bar and all but..."

"No, no you can't call that either. Although you ARE as dumb as Florida, I'll say that for record."

Al came running up with a big goofy grin of happiness on his face. "JEN! Lover forever! Come to your new husband." He grabbed her in another gigantic hug and began to grind on her again.

Jen tried frantically to push him away. "Hey, no fair! You're really fat. You had the momentum built up and it took you farther!" Jen took a minute, then began to smile. "Although hey, I'm kinda getting used to this."

Joe hung his head, then threw his hands out in front of himself. "Nope, that's it, I'm out." He turned and ran as fast as he could toward the nearest cliff. As he got to it's edge, he planted his feet and sprung himself away and out of site.

Natalie's face sunk in sympathy. "Well that's sad." Then she looked back at Jen trying to ward Al off. "But THAT's funny as hell!"

THE END


End file.
